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"Bernie!!" I shout. "God- damn Jose!! What?! What?!" "You goin' with Al to the Village tomorrow night?" "Yeah. Gonna see L7. They're playing in a new club called the HYPERBOLIC CHAMBER on Houston Street, near 1st Avenue." "What time?" "Show starts at 8, but we're leaving around 6:30. Why? You want to go?" "Yeah. L7's cool. I wanna check them bitches out. I'm seeing Eric Sermon Sunday night B." "Yo!! That's the shit!! Bon Diggi's the fattest song!! I love that song!! You takin' Lisa?" "Yup." "Cool." "Hey Bernie!!" says Four-Eyes. "Uh-don't you have to work that evening?" The Voice stops cold for a second. "What, Sal?" "You know! Work. Something you go do to make money-" "Yeah, yeah. What about it?" "Don't you work after school? I mean, it's not a holiday, and since you just got the job, getting a day off so soon-" "Listen, I just got off that night. I-they don't need me there Thursday." "Uhhhh... okay. Sounds reasonable." The Voice keeps quiet for a long time. Wonder why. Anyways I decide to rip into this whore I know. "Bernie. I saw Alicia." "Really?! How's she doin'?!" "I tell ya, the bitch's carrying extra!! Yo, I can't believe how she fell apart!! She used to be sweet!! Her hips droop to her porky ankles B!!" "Oh shit... that's cold..." "Yo, you shouldn't make fun of her Jose." says Teaser, all serious and shit. "She's going through tough problems." "Yeah- Like STAYING AWAY FROM THE REFRIGERATOR!!" The other kids CRACK UP!! Teaser is pissed!! Oh SHIT!! The bitch swings at me!! Almost takes my nose again!! "Shut the fuck up Jose!!" Yo-that's IT. I'm PISSED. "Yo, what's YOUR problem?! It's true, isn't it?! Shit, don't be stupid Jeanette!!" "You want me to kick you in the nuts again?!" "Yeah?! Try it, and I'll RIP OFF your big fat TITTIES!!" Aw man... Fucking Mouth jumps between us. Nosy, fat-lipped BITCH!! "Yo-yo-yo. Chill out people. Sit down." I do it. Not because of Plunger-Lips, but because I don't want to mix it up here on the bus. I'll get the whore OUTSIDE. Miss Tough Shit looks at her mongoloid face in the mirror. And speaks up. "Hey Bernie! What time is it?" "8:28." "Yo, fuck this, man!! Every morning we get to the school late!! Every day, we miss breakfast!! I'm tired of this shit! The fucking driver's been doing this since the beginning of the year!! I'm gonna tell the principal to call the bus company!! Yo, some people have no consideration!!" "I hear that." I look at Four-Eyes. He looks at Teaser through the rearview. Bubble-lipped bitch looks pissed! "I hate this bus." says Teaser. "Driver always takes the long road, an' takes an hour to get to school. He thinks he's all that an' he ain't shit!!" Oh man... Teaser's taking out her make-up again. God-DAMN girl!! GIVE IT UP!! The bitch's face's ugly enough. Yo, I don't need to look at a clown with big tits. And she talks about the driver thinking he's all that. Flat-Nose sits up. Oh shit... nigger's drinking from a paper bag!! LOOK OUT!! "Hey Bernie!" says the Mouth. "What?" "Yo, I got the new stereo system." "Is it the Pioneer?" "Uh-huh. Just picked it up. Yo, I tell you, this shit is fat." "How many watts are the speakers?" "600." "Fully loaded?" "Hell's yeah!! 9-CD carousel, surround-sound amp an' speakers, double-cassette deck, you name it. Man, I play this bitch, and my house is rockin." "You going to New York Saturday?" "Yeah. You wanna hang out?" "Cool." "Yo, I'm HUNGRY!!" shouts Teaser. "Chill out B!" says the Voice. "Fuck that shit man!! Drive this bitch faster!! I ain't gonna be on this fucking bus all morning!!" Four-Eyes don't say nothin. "Yo, did you hear me?! DRIVE THIS BITCH FASTER!!" "Hey-FUCK OFF!!" shouts Four-Eyes. "I'm taking my FUCKING time!!" Oh shit. Teaser's pissed off!! She gets UP!! "Yo-FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!! GODDAMNED DUMASS FUCKING BUS DRIVER!!" Four-Eyes SLAMS on them brakes!! Teaser almost falls onto me!! The fat-lipped bitch stares at her. "SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'M GONNA WRITE YOU UP!!!" "YO- FUCK THIS!! I'M GONNA HAVE YOU FIRED MOTHERFUCKER!! GO AHEAD!! WRITE ME UP BITCH!! YOU'LL BE OFF BEFORE I AM, MOTHERFUCKER!!" "Yo!! Chill OUT Jeanette!!" says the Voice. "NO!! FUCK HIM!! FUCK HIM!!" "Yo JEANETTE!!" says the Jacket. "WHAT THE FUCK YOU WANT?!?" "Mellow out!! Take this." Oh shit... the Jacket pulls out a joint!! Lights the shit an' gives it to Teaser. She sucks the roach. "Huh. BITCHIN'." says Teaser. She sits her ass down. I look to the front. Fuckin' nigger's swiggin' the bag. Peels a nasty one from his big, fat, smelly mouth. "....fuckin' crackers..." Say what?! "Bernie." says the Mouth. "You get the new CD player?" "Tomorrow, B. Yo, I can't wait. The shit is fat." "Sony Discman?" "Yup. $108. Plug the bitch into a car deck. Anti-skip." "You're picking up Sir Mix-A-Lot?" "Hells yeah!! PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS is the fattest song B. I love that song." "Don't forget the video!!" "Hah!! Bitches be fiiiiine kid!!" "Hells yeah!!" "Oh!! Yo Ralph. Some messed-up shit happened, kid." "What?" "I lost my black book B. Yo, I had like 100 names of girls in there." "Yeah, right!!" "Yo, I ain't playin!! Had Crystral, Janie, Fran, Brenda an' Fan in there!! Who else...Sheena, Bonnie, Magdalina...Yo, I can't remember them all." "Huh...That's an impressive list of pussy." "You ain't kiddin B. Yo, I'm starting up a new list and shit. Past, present, and future conquests!! Hah!!" Dumass Mouth laughs. Mistah Ed laugh. The bitch should be spayed. "Yo man!! Throw some my way!!" "Hells no!! I worked for my shit!!" "Yo Bernie!!" says Teaser. "What's up." "Take a drag of this shit. J's got the goods B!!" I look. The Voice's hand takes the blunt. Goes down. Blue smoke goes UP. "Yooo... Damn J!! You got extra?" Straight-Jacket pulls out another. Gives it to the Voice. "Huh...Yo, you gotta connect me to your contacts J." "Thas no prob B." "...fuckin' CRAACKERZZZZ!!!!" OH SHIT!! Flat-Nose be trippin' ON THE JUICE!! Everbody looks at him. His head POPS up! Niggerized JACK-IN THE BOX!! Only TWICE as ugly. "uuuuuuIIIIIII HAAAAATE WHITE MUDDAFUCCAAAAAZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!" The Mouth's eyes bug WIIIIIIDE!!! "...oh shit..." Fish-eyed nigger looks BACK!! Straight at the Jacket.. "YEEEU! I...mean... YEEEU!" Homeboy's bony finger points to the Jacket. The Jacket's bug-eyed. He be SWEATIN'!! "Yo...I draaaaggg yo vanilla ass downta MARION!! I is from da MARION PROJJJEKS MUDDAFUCCA!! I FUCCA litta white ASS OVAH!!" Teaser gets up. Holds her blunt to the Nose. "Yooo B...chill! Suck on this." Flat-Nose do the shit-eatin' grin thang. "HAH!! Yo...thazz duh shit!!" Homeboy sucks long and hard. My man's head SWINGS back. "Ahhhhhhhhh..." Pyro looks at the Jacket. "You got any more?" The Jacket gives him the THIRD roach. Soon he be suckin' on the shit. Smoke's beginning to fuck my head up. "Bernie!" says the Mouth. "Whassup?" "Yo, check this out. You know that car my aunt's supposed to give me?" "Yeah?" "I don't think I'm getting it." "Why?" "My gramps an' grandma were riding it Sunday, and he flipped the car on the Turnpike. Car flipped over eight times. My gramps an' grandma only got a couple of scratches and walked away from the shit. My granddad was sayin' 'What the fuck happened?! What the fuck happened?!' My grandma was freaking out and shit." "That's fucked up." "Anyway, I'll be using my mom's car for awhile." Mouth turns to Flat-Nose. Oh MAN. Homeboy be smokin' shit an' drinkin!! "Yo Jerome." "WhaaaassssUP B?!" "Slow down man!! You're gonna fuck yourself up BIG TIME." "Aaaaaaahhhhh FUCCIT. Iiiiaazzzznnnneeed some SHIT to....t....gitme ROCCIN. HAAH!!! HAAAAIIIIIIYYYY!!!" Everybody cracks UP!! The nigger is CRAAAAZY!!! "My boy deserves ANOTHER drink!!" I shout. "SsssssssssssSHIT YEAH!!" yells Bacardi Lips! Oh... MAN-the nigger's DEEP-THROATING THE BITCH!! GOD- DAAAAAAM!!! He stops an'- "bbbuuuuuUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! OH MAAAAAN!!! The nigger's tank is FULL!!! We're FALLING ALL OVER THE PLACE cracking up!!! MAN!! Even Four-Eyes is cracking up!! "Oh...SHIT!!!" yells the Jacket. "Yo- fuck this, B!!" shouts Pyro. "Jerome! Give me a shot of that shit!!" Flat-Nose smiles them BIG WET STICKY ivories WIIIIDE!!! "HAAAAAH!!!! *buuuuuuUUUPPP*" Flat-Nose takes out ANOTHER bag!! Oh man... the nigger's got plastic cups!! Pours some red into one of them. Hands it to Pyro. The bitch downs it like water. Oh shit... "Aaaa-FUCK!!!" screams Pyro. Pyro falls OUT of his SEAT!! He's COUGHING like a MOTHERFUCKER!! Mouth kneels by the bitch!! "Cyrus!! You okay?!" "....uaaaaaaauuuurrrrrruuuaaarruuuaa..." "Yo!! Cyrus!!" "uuuuuuuuuurrrrrrhhhh...wha...th...FUCK WAS IN THAT SHIT?!?" Flat-Nose smiles EVEN WIDER!! Nigger's lips flap back like a HORSE'S!! "...heeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeheeHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" Mouth goes close to Pyro's ear. "...yo...shut up an' just sit down man...." "...crazy motherfuckin' spook....!!" Pyro an' Mouth get back into their seats. Flat-Nose falls back into his seat, gigglin' like a little bitch!! "Oh..shit!!" says the Voice. "What?" I say. "Yo-a bus full of GIRLS B!! Coming up on our right!!" I quickly look out the window!! DAMN!! Oh man!! Some fiiiiiiiine pussy on THAT bus!! Must be going to an all-girls school! The girls are looking us over!! They're laughing at us! Some of 'em are pressing their fat, juicy titties against the glass!! Daaaaaamm!! Shit, I want to suck them fuckers off their chest in the WORST way!! Uh-oh!! Flat-Nose's head pops UP!! "Giiiiiirrrlls?!?" shouts the nigger. Flat-Nose looks out the window. "Yo- FUCK THIS!!" Oh shit- THE NIGGER RIPS OFF HIS SHIRT!! And- HE STICKS HIMSELF OUT THE WINDOW!! He's waving his shirt at the girls!! "OOOOAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!!!" screams the CRAZY bitch!! "OOOOAAAAAAAAHHH!!!!" The girls ARE SCREAMING BACK AT HIM!!! HOLY SHIT!! We're all rollin' BIG TIME!! We can't stop CRACKING UP!! And THEN- OH... SHIIIIIIT!!!! THE NIGGER IS STICKING HIS BARE ASS OUT THE WINDOW!!! HE'S SHAKING HIS ASS AT THE GIRLS!!! MOTHER- FUCKER!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! THE GIRLS ARE FREAKIN' OUT!!! AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! EVERBODY'S fallen over, CRACKING UP!! Four-Eyes can't believe WHAT HE SEES!! "HOLY SHIT!!" he screams!! Four-Eyes FLOORS IT!! The piece of shit takes off like a MOTHERFUCKER!! Flat-Nose falls back ONTO THE FLOOR!! Nigger's underwear's AROUND HIS ANKLES!! Four-Eyes looks at 'im, all PISSED OFF an' shit!! "PULL UP YOUR SHIT, YOU ASSHOLE!!" he screams. Flat-Nose pulls up his underwear an' pants reeeeeaaaaal slooooooow. An' crawl's up onto the seat!! Everybody's STILL cracking up. "Motherfucking Jerome!!" screams the Jacket. "The nigger's LOST HIS MIND!!" screams Pyro. "Yo J, give this nigger another roach!!" says Teaser. "Homeboy needs to MELLOW OUT!!" Straight-Jacket pulls out another loosie an' lights it. Goes up to Flat-Nose. "Yo, take this shit B!! You NEED it!!" He takes it, and sucks DEEP. "Yo-that was FUCKED UP!!" says the Voice. "That was TOO much for me B!!" I say. "Oh man..." says Mouth. "I gotta get a car. I gotta get a car..." Four-Eyes floors the yellow shitbox until the other bus is out of sight. He's shaking his head. "...crazy son-of-a-bitch..." Mouth looks at Teaser. "Jeanette! Let me smoke some of that." Teaser hands Mouth what's left of the roach. Them BIG, STICKY LIPS wrap around it. Ugly bitch sucks in, an' breathes out lots of blue. "Damn... the shit is good!!" Flat-Nose's head POPS OUT at Mouth!! Dumass Dominican JUMPS UP!! "Whoa!!" Flat-Nose smiles THE BIGGEST SMILE YET. Nigger's droolin' all over hisself!! "Eeeeeuuuuzzzzz allll RAAAIIITT maiiiaan...Eeeeeuuuuzzzzz allll.....*buuuuuuUUUUPPP* raaaiight..." Nigger turns his Afro-ass head to the back of the bus. Looks at Straight-Jacket with them big UUUUUGLY hard red eyes. "...*uuuuuuuuppp*...eeeeeuuuu CRAACKAAH!!! Mudda...FUCCA....HAAAAAH!!!" Nigger falls back into his seat. The Jacket be sweatin' again. "Hey Ralph!" says Four-Eyes. "What?" "Let me take a hit of that." Oh shit....!! Mouth's eyes bug WIDE again!! "B-But you're driving!!" "Nah. Don't worry. I'm just smoking a little bit." Teaser an' Mouth are staring at each other. Four-Eyes is so full of SHIT!! Ain't no such thing as smoking A LIL' BIT!! Mouth gives Four-Eyes the joint. He sucks the shit. And sucks...and sucks...and SUCKS!! "Hey!!" shouts Mouth. "Shit...Hey-sorry Ralph." I thought so. Motherfucker sucked THE WHOLE THING!! Mouth looks pissed. "Aw man..." "Yo...Jeanette!!" says the Voice. "Yeah?" "Come with me Friday night to THE STANWICK CLUB." "Nah...I can't." "Why?" "My fuckin' bitch mother. She doesn't want me going out after school." "Why?" "I dunno...she used to be so cool. Now...she's turned into a bitch. Ever since I went with Mark an' Julio to Secaucus after school, she doesn't want me going anywhere but straight home. An' once I'm home, she won't let me hang out!!" "That's fucked up Jeanette." "Hey Jason. You got any more joints?" "Yo, I ain't gonna hand 'em all out B!!" "C'mon J." "It's gonna cost you." Teaser hands some green to the Jacket. "How many will that get me?" "Three." "Cool." "Yo J. Let me buy some." says the Voice. Soon, the bus is FULL of roach smoke!! The shit's gettin' me flyin'!! I look at Flat-Nose. Uh-oh...nigger doesn't look too good... "uuuuuuuuoooooOOOOooooouuuuuu....." "Who...the fuck was that?!" says the Voice. Mouth looks scared SHITLESS!! "Yo...Jerome...the other way, the other way, THE OTHER WAY!!!" The nigger's head pops HIGHER!! Motherfucker's cross-eyed!! "The other way, the other way, THE OTHER WAAAAAYYYY!!!!" Mouth pushes him away!! And- OH SHIT!!! HE'S HURLIN'!! THE MOTHERFUCKER'S HURLIN' CHUNKS!!! "Awwww FUUUCK!!!!" I scream!! "Jerome THREW UP ALL OVER HIMSELF!!" screams the Mouth!! "What?!" shouts Four-Eyes. I look over the seat!! AW SHIIIT!!! The nigger's leanin' against the window!! Motherfucker's thrown up ALL OVER HIS PANTS, THE BACKREST IN FRONT, AND THE FLOOR!! And the fucking nigger's GIGGILING LIKE CRAZY!!! "Oh SHIT!!" shouts the Jacket. "I thought so!!" I say! "Motherfucker's STUPID!! Drinking AND smoking blunts!!" "I told Jerome not to do that!!" shouts the Mouth. "I told 'im!!" Mouth gets up an' goes to the back of the bus. Four-Eyes stops at a light. He reaches underneath his seat and takes out a can of air freshener!! Homeboy sprays the shit ALL OVER Jermome and the seat!! "Oh man..." I say. "Yo... fuck this...!!" says Teaser. "I'm smokin' ANOTHER blunt." Motherfuckin' van smells like VOMIT, AIR FRESHENER AND MARIJUANA. Ahhhhhh-FUCK!!! I CAN'T TAKE THIS SHIT!! I try to open the goddamn window. The bitch won't MOVE!! "Open, motherfucker!!" I shout. "OPEN!!!" "Yo...chill out...Jose!!" says the Jacket, sounding piss-stoned!! Aaaaarrgggh...FINALLY!! I open the bitch!! Goddamn school bus's windows are all fucked up. Can hardly open any of them. I get some air, an' look outside. Wha...the...FUCK?!? WE'RE WEAVING ALL OVER THE FUCKIN' ROAD!!! "Sal!! SAL!!!" I scream!! "You crazy bitch!! WHAT'RE YOU DOIN'?!? YOU'Z ALL OVER THE FUCKING ROAD!!" I look at the bitch in the rearview!! Goddamn cracker's STONED!!! "W...Wha...?!" he says. "Wha...? Oh...shit!!" Four-Eyes swerves HARD!! ALMOST HITS TWO CARS!! OH SHIT!! WE'RE DEAD!! WE'RE DEAD!! BAAAAMMM!!!!! THE MOTHERFUCKER KNOCKED OVER A MAILBOX!! "What the fuck was that?!" shouts the Mouth. "Sal knocked over a mailbox!!" I shout back! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" laughs Straight Jacket! "AH-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" "Go Sal!!" shouts Short Stuff! "Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!!" "Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!!" everybody starts shoutin'!! "Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!!" "Oh...SHIT!!" shouts Four-Eyes. "Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go Sal!!" "Open all the fucking windows!!" "Go Sal!! Go Sal!! Go-" "SHUT UP AN' OPEN THE FUCKIN' WINDOWS!!!" We're ALL crackin' UP!! This shit's FUCKED UP AS HELL!! The others open a few more windows. Four-Eyes shifts into reverse!! I look outside. People be staring at us!! Some are running to the bus!! Four-Eyes PEEEELS outta there!! We go up a ways, and turn off onto another street. And we FINALLY get to the fucking school!! We go into the parking lot, up to the side of the school. "What time is it?" asks Teaser. "8:45." answers the Voice. "Fuck!! Missed breakfast again!!" shouts Teaser. "And I got the MUNCHIES!!" "Hahahahhaha!!" laughs the Voice. "That's fucked up!!" "Yo Jeanette!!" says Straight-Jacket. "I'll sell you a Snickers bar!! Three bucks!!" "Fuck you J!!" I get up, an' walk past Flat-Nose. "Aw... fuck...!!" I say. The nigger's passed out in his seat, covered in vomit!! He's gigglin' in his sleep!! The bitch smells like SHIT!! I feel like I'm gonna throw up!! I look at Four-Eyes. Stupid cracker's got his head in his hands, shakin' it. I'm pissed off!! "Open the fuckin' door, nigger!!" I say. Four-Eyes opens it. I jump out an' walk to the school. I see the principal. Bitch looks like Geraldo Rivera on goddamn steroids. Nigger's got on a tight-ass sweater. His muscles are popping out of it. Big, ugly, hairy mustache. He walks up to me. "Good morning young man!" he says. Nigger goes to shake my hand. Aaaaahh!!! GOD -DAMN!! Son-of-a-bitch CRUSHED it!! I shake my hand, an' look up. I see two crackers. They got guns. Uh-oh. I look at the principal. "Jason!! These men want to talk to you!!" I turn around. Everybody's off. I see Straight-Jacket. He sees the two crackers. His eyes go WIDE!! "Oh...shit!!" he says. Whoa!! The Jacket TAKES OFF!! The two crackers run after 'im!! One of them tackles him to the ground an' cuffs him!! An' then the school bus TAKES OFF!! The other kids an' the pricipal jump out of the way!! I see Four-Eyes for a second. He's lookin' through the rearview, and is scared SHITLESS!! The principal stares at the bus. "What the hell's HIS problem?!" he says. I shake my head. Enough of this shit!! I'm going inside. Just another day aboard the Lil' Yellow Bus. ENDBACK TO TRABAL CREATIONS PAGE |