I see it. Man, it's ugly. The ugliest school bus I've ever seen. It shakes. It breaks. It bangs. It smokes. It moves towards me like some ol' flea-bitten homeless bitch. And it stinks almost as bad. I can smell it from here. It spits an' sputters up to me an' stops. The door bulges like morning wood. Bulges once.Then twice. And pops open with a loud bang. Four-Eyes is at the wheel. Man, what a dick. Five o'clock shadow, big time. The dumb T-shirt he's got on is so damn small I can see his big fat titties bouncing along with the bus. Serial-killer glasses. Lips so big they could suck every fucking inch of an elephant's ass. The dick would probably tounge it there too; probably be the only action he'd see in his sorry-ass life. Flat-Nose is there too. Those gums. Those lips. Dumb-ass bus attendant's sleeping away again. I see the tracks on his arm. I asked the nigger once why he sleeps so much. Flat-Nose tells me he stays up late, watching karate movies. Yeah. Uh-huh. I sit down in a thing that used to be a seat. Stuffing be ripped out of it. I know this punk named Pyro. Crazy motherfucker. He'd be sitting in these seats, ripping the stuffing out, and sometimes he'd light the shit. Homeboy would fry his fingers every fucking time. I look behind me. It's Teaser. She's always wearing the tightest, shortest dresses. What she doesn't have in that ugly-ass face she damn well makes up for in her body. Double-Ds. 16 going on 29. Curves that would make a faggot do a double take. I often think about what I'd do with my tounge- "What the hell are you looking at, flake-head?!?" She catches me looking down under her dress. I look up in time to see these claws swipe at my face. I pull back, an' feel a sting from the tip of my nose. I put my hand on it. It feels wet. "Next time it'll be your eyes, motherfucker!!" I turn around. I feel something rise between my legs. Bitch. But it was worth it. Someday, bitch...someday I'll do your lil' ass... Four-Eyes takes a tight turn, and goes up a street. He floors it. My head bounces against the backrest. Four-Eyes is a psycho driver. I call my bus the Space Shuttle. He burns serious rubber, the motherfucker. He races to school. He races us back home. Nearly flattened some old bitch and her groceries. Sometimes, Four-Eyes has had a few shots of somethin', cause there've been times I get on, and I smell the whiskey or whatever the fuck the nigger's drinking on his breath. Pyro should light up this dick's breath. He'd become a four-eyed, bubble-lipped Godzilla. Four-Eyes makes another right-a real hard one this time. I fly out of the seat onto the one across from me. I bang my head on the side of the bus. I hear the other kids scream. "Yo nigger!!" I shout. "Don make me go up there an' smack yo fo-eyed ass!! What's with them turns, motherfucker?!" I hear him slam the brakes. Next thing I know, my face is buried in the backrest in front of me. Then, I'm on the floor. I hear the other kids laugh at me. Teaser is laughing the hardest. "Yeah, boy!!" she shouts. "Eat that nasty shit off that floor!! Your mama didn't get her food stamps this week!! Ha-ha-ha!!" They laugh some more. I don't say nothing. I want to, but Teaser would bitch-slap me silly. She kicked me in the balls last week in class. Bitch. I still wanna do her lil' ass... I hear Four-Eyes try to open the door. It creaks once. Then twice. Then it opens with a loud bang. I hear footsteps. "Yo, bitch!! Get your Spic ass off the floor!!" I get on my knees and look up. It's Pyro. Tall, skinny-as-a-stick, knappy-haired cracker-ass Pyro. He takes out a loosie and lights it. His beady blue eyes stare down at me. I get up and sit back down in my seat. Pyro sits across from me, sucking on that loosie like it was the best dick in the world. Homeboy's just lit it, and the damn thing's halfway ash. I hear Teaser giggling behind me. This time, I look around the side. Oh man. Short Stuff's at it again. He's playing with Teaser's tits like radio knobs. And the bitch is getting off on it. Short Stuff's the only one Teaser lets near her. There's something about him that makes her wet. I pop a boner again, but I get my ass back in the seat.I ain't in no mood for them claws right now. But I still think about Teaser's tits... Niiiice... The engine rips again. My head gets planted in the backrest. Damn cracker can sure move this shitbox. We hit a bump. Hard. Pyro's loosie pops out of his mouth. Falls on his balls. "Ah SHIT!!" He slaps his sack crazy, cursing nonstop. Then he pulls out another loosie and lights it. Like I said, homeboy loves to suck. Loves it. The bus slams to a stop again. The door slams open again. And in comes Mouth. Big, goofy-ass smile. Man, I can't stand Mouth. Biggest kiss-ass punk I've ever met. Talks whole lot of shit. He sits across from Flat-Nose. Then looks to the back of the bus. "Yo!! Bernie!!" "What, Ralph?" answers a Voice. "You crusin' with me this afternoon? I've got my mom's car. I'm picking up Julie and Christy at 7. We can go to the Limelight later." "Cool, B." "Yo man. My suit's killer. I'm gonna impress the hell out of Christy. I'm going to get some tonight man. I'm packing the Trojans." "Yo B. I hear that. This stud's packing the meat for Julie tonight. Oh, I've been dying to get into her pants. She wants it from me bad. I can tell by the way she looked at me in gym class." Mouth laughs. A dumb-ass retarded laugh. "Oh man!! My mom got the car out of the shop this morning!! I can't wait!!" Then beat your dick off. Just shut the fuck up. Macho-Man looks at Flat-Nose. "Yo!! Jerome!! Wake up man!! Whazzup?!" The nigger is snoring like a motherfucker. Then his knappy Afro-ass head bobs up. The eyes open. Man, his eyes are red. "W...W...W...Wha...?" Mouth slaps him on the shoulder. Flat-Nose's head bounces off the seat, Mouth smiles his donkey-teeth smile. "Whazzup?!" "Uh...mmmfpphh...uh...wha...wha...whappeninma..." Damn!! Flat-Nose has bigger ivories than Mouth!! Oh man!! That drool is definitely 10W/40...Mouth starts his bullshit again. "Hey Jerome!! I'm getting together with Christy! I'm gonna finally bed her!!" "Uh...uh...uh...uh-huh..." "Yo Jerome. This is the third time I'm going out with Christy. We got together last week at the Simmering Juices club. We danced till about 4 Sunday morning!! You should take your girl there!!" "Uh...uh...uh-huh..." Flat-Nose's head bobs faster. His eyes flap open and close like crazy. Damn drool's thicker too-be hangin' from his chin in a thick, nasty line. "Uh...uh...yeahmahn...Datbecool..." "Yo Jerome!! Why you look so sleepy?" "Uh...nhnnn...uh..." "Jerome!!" "Uh...wha man? Wha?" "Yo man! You okay?" "Behhuhh...mmmm...w..w-whaup?" Mouth looks to the back of the bus. The Voice be cracking up. Yo, I be cracking a smile myself. Crackhead nigger's too damn funny. "J-E-R-O-M-E!!" "Wh...whaup man?" Then he peels a loud, nasty-smelling motherfucker. We all crack up. Pyro's loosie falls on his balls again. Homeboy smacks his sack crazy again, screaming an' cursing. Goddamn nigger's drool on the floor now. Flat-Nose be looking at Mouth, his pearly-whites drippin, his bloodshot eyes shuttin. "Uh...uh...whaup?" "Hey...Jerome! Why are you so sleepy?" "Uh...B...Bruce...Li..." "What?" "B...Bruce Li, man...L...Late show..." "Oh...uhhh...ooookaaay...!!" Four-Eyes slams on them brakes. My head's slam-dunked into Flat-Nose's backrest! Man, fuck this!! "Yo, fo-eyed, bubble-lipped cracker!!" I yell. "I sue yo white ass!! Slam on them brakes again bitch!! Slam on them brakes again!!" Four-Eyes looks at me with that greasy, fat-lipped face. Nasty bitch peels gas from his smelly mouth. Porky-ass arm opens the door. Oh shit... "Ha-ha-ha!!" Damn... The craziest mother of them all. Straight-Jacket steps into the bus. He threw a flare out once. Damn car nearly blew up. He be talkin' about doin' some crazy shit every day!! Big bandage's on his ear. Motherfuckers be chasin' homeboy, trying to take his bike. Flipped on a rock and down a staircase. Nearly ripped off his ear. Straight-Jacket sits across from me. Turns to me. "Yo man! Whatsup?" "I'm cool, B." "Yo. Stole some shit from K-Mart. Got a camera, walkman, and some batteries." "Damn!!" says the Voice. "When?!" "Yesterday B. Ha-ha!! Tried to steal other shit, but couldn't fit it into my coat. Thursday man, I'm wearing one with more bigger pockets!! I'm going back!! Ha-ha!!" Crazy-ass cracker. Damn crazy. "Yo Bernie! I stole a bike from Westwood Bikes! $600 BMX!!" "Oh... man!!" says the Voice. "Rode it off the front of the store!! Ha-ha!! Stupid Westwood fucks!! Took it onto public, B!! Got it stashed at my cousin's crib!!" "Yo...that's fucked up." "Ha-ha!! I'm going after Tommy De Lucka's radio. Motherfuckin' Pioneer deck in his Acura!! I'm snatching that shit!! Hahaha!!" "Damn!! are you crazy?!" says Teaser. "Tommy'll beat your dumb-ass head in with a pipe!!" "Nah. I'll be carrying my .22. Blow that nigger away if he starts some shit. Hahaha!!" I check out his right ear. Straight-Jacket's ear's bandaged up pretty good. See some dried blood on it. "What's up with the ear, man?" I ask. "Yo, I'll have the stitches removed tomorrow. Got to go to the hospital to do it. 50 stitches to fix the shit." "Them niggers never caught you?" I ask. "Nah. Got scared when I fucked up my head. Besides, my bike's totalled, so they couldn't steal it. Hey Pyro. Strike me a loosie." Pyro takes one out an' lights it. Straight-Jacket takes a long drag. Stares at me with them beady blue eyes. "Yo. You need some shit man? Got a hot Aiwa system, man. 600 watts! Stole it off a truck B!!" "Nah, that's cool." "Okay. Bernie?" "Nah man." Straight-Jacket's head bobs up an' down. Sucks a long one off the loosie. "I'll get a buyer. Them shits real hot now." I look outside. Four-Eyes's on the highway now. We're movin' pretty slow. Lots of cars and shit. I look at Pyro. "Yo Pyro." "Name's Cyrus bitch." "Not in my book. You play with matches too damn much." "What the hell do ya want?!" "Yo man. Cindy tells me she might be interested." Pyro turns to me. "No shit...!!" "Hey-I said might be." "What gives you that idea?!" "She said so. She's like, real shy. Girl couldn't tell ya, B." "Yo, you're a pussy. Why ain't you going after her?!" "Hey! Lisa's my girl." "Huh. You're so full of it your hair's gettin' browner an' smellier bitch." "Fuck you." "So...what does she say about me?" I smile BIG. "Uh-uh. I ain't tellin' you shit. You're gonna hafta find out for yourself bitch." Pyro stares at me. "Hey-I intend to. Better not be lyin." "Yo, I don't care if you believe me or not. Only reason I told you is 'cause she be botherin' me to do this shit." "Huh. We'll see." "Yo Jose. Move over." Straight-Jacket's head pops next to mine. I slide over an' he plants his ass on the seat. I see the nigger smile. Then he starts laughing and turns to me. "Yo Jose. Check this shit out." Straight-Jacket opens the window. Starts yellin' out of it. "Yo!! Punk in the pickup!! Yeah, you dick!! Check this out!!" Man in the pickup stares at us. I look at the Jacket. Oh...shit...the bitch's lost his mind!! He's pretending he's got his hands around a giant cock an' jerking it off!! My man in the pickup's lookin' at us like we crazy!! BAM!!! OH SHIT!! HE CRASHED!! MOTHERFUCKER CRASHED!! OH FUCK! HE CRASHED INTO THE BACK OF A TRUCK!! Everybody is cracking UP!! I don't BELIEVE this shit!! I be crackin' up too!! Motherfuckin' Jacket's rollin' on the floor, laughin' it up!! Flat-Nose's red eyes be lookin' him over. "Y...Yo ...that's fucked up man..."he be saying. "That's wrong man..." "Man, you are one CRAZY cracker!!" I say. "Oh man!! Did you see that?!" screams the Jacket. "Did you SEE that shit?!? Dumass motherfucker crashed!! AH-HAHAHAHAHA!!!!" We all crack up. For at least five minutes. Then I hear the Voice. "Oh... shit ....Yo, Jason!" "What B?" "I think that nigger's after us." Straight-Jacket sits up quick. "What?!" "Oh man ...Yo, check this out." We all look back. I see him kinda far away, but he be gettin' closer. Steam be coming from the front of the pickup. I dunno how, but my man be floorin' the bitch. Four-Eyes speaks up. "Which one is it?" The Jacket's eyes are buggin' out of his head. "Oh fuck...oh... fuck ...oh fuck.." "It's the one with steam coming out of it." answers Mouth. Four-Eyes looks in the mirror. "The one coming up on the left?" "Yeah!!" says the Jacket. "You sure?" "Yeah, yeah man!!" yells Straight-Jacket. "C'mon B!! Get outta here!!" Oh shit...Four-Eyes's slowin' down!! Fuck!! The nigger in the pickup's catchin' up to us!! Oh shit...He's on our left!! Oh fuck. He's pissed. My man's PISSED OFF!! "YOU FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH!! I' GONNA KILL YA!! YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER?!? I'M GONNA KILL YA!!" Straight-Jacket's shaking like crazy!! He be shitting in his pants!! "Ohmanohmanhmanohman-" "I' GONNA KILL YA!! YOU HEAR ME MOTHERFUCKER?!? I'M GONNA KILL YA!! YOU FUCKING SON-OF-A-BITCH!! My man's throwin' shit at the bus!! Pennies, bottle caps and- a WRENCH?! SMAAASH!!! Oh SHIT!! HE CRACKED THE WINDOW!! Even Four-Eyes don't believe it!! "ALL YOU FUCKS ARE DEAD!! ALL YOU FUCKS ARE-" KA-BLAAAAMM!!!!! Somethin' blows in the engine!! My man drops back!! Swerves off the road and into a ditch?! GOD- DAMN!! Four-Eyes floors it. We outta there! The Jacket slides to the floor! Shakin' an' quakin'. "Oh shit...oh shit...oh shit..." "Oh...that was some FUCKED-up shit B!!" says the Voice. "You're crazier than Pyro!!" "Damn... that was close..." Part 2